The Crossroads Program

Parent to Parent February 12 C.R..A..P. The kids have an acronym in their program, C.R.A.P. Communication resolves all problems. This works well for parents, too. When I listened at meetings, I began to hear that my martyrdom way of communicating was not very effective. For example, I would get upset and angry because I felt that I was doing all the work to keep our house clean. So, rather than ask my teens (or even my spouse!) to tackle a particular household chore, s...uch as take out the trash, I would say in an indirect (manipulative) way: The trash is so full; it's overflowing! I might even add a sigh for dramatic effect. This never got any results, and in short order I'd be banging pots and pans in the kitchen or slamming doors, but not saying directly what I needed. I decided to try honest, direct communication. Would you please take out the trash? Sure, I'll do it in a minute. Ten minutes later, as I try to stuff more trash into the ihoan. "Could you please empty the trash now?" "Can't it wait until my TV program is over? I'd prefer you do it now, because it's already full, and I'm cleaning. O.K. And he got up and did it! So I've learned that while direct communication doesn't immediately "workthat is, get me exactly what I want right away-it does help me negotiate an acceptable settlement with another human being. I don't build up toxic levels of anger and martyrdom, like I used to do. Today's Reminder Communication resolves all problems

Parent to Parent February 11 That's what I asked myself when I discovered my son had become a drug addict. I went to an Al-Anon meeting where they told me about the 3 C’s: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. I also read carefully Bob Meehan's book, Beyond the Yellow Brick Road. This recovered drug addict, who created a successful rehabilitation program for young people, said that parents are not responsible for their children's drug abuse....... He also said that guilt, anger, inadequacy, hurt, and non-OKness prevent effective parenting. They paralyze us. I realized that believing that I had caused my son's problem was egotistical. How could I single handedly have created his addiction? Didn't he have a choice in the matter? Didn’t his father, other family members, schoolmates and friends also influence him? My feeling of inadequacy only hurt me, because it prevented me from taking constructive action. Today, I know that I am neither the worst nor the best parent in the world. I am simply doing my best each day to love and guide my children. I trust in a power greater than myself to help me get through both the good and rough times. Il judgment about my parenting to my Higher Power Today's Reminder I cannot control my child. I am not responsible for what other people say or do; I am only responsible for what I say and a With the guidance of my Higher Power, I will do my best to do the next right thing.

Parent to Parent February 10 Hope Our son was lying to us about where he was and he was verbally belligerent. We would advise him to do certain things. He would agree, and then he would do something totally different. I even remember a time that he blamed me for misplacing one of his items, which he later found where he had left it! My husband and I were suspicious. Something was wrong, and we had no control over our son. After a while, he came to us and admitted that he h...ad a problem with drugs. We certainly wanted to help him. Together we went to family counseling and also took him to a psychiatrist. Things did not improve, and the psychiatrist kindly admitted that he was not sure he could help our son. He suggested we try one of the Enthusiastic Sobriety programs which provide drug rehabilitation treatment for teens and young adults based on the Twelve Steps. We went to the Enthusiastic Sobriety parent meetings even before our son decided he would give the program a try. It was as if a fog lifted from us. For the first time there was some hope. 46 We met other parents. We were not alone. These people knew and understood exactly what we were going through, because they had gone through it themselves. They told us how they had handled certain situations; we now had some possible solutions to our problems. Life started to get better. Today's Reminder Finding people who have had similar experiences and getting the benefit of their experience gives me hope. See more

Parent to Parent December 29 Let's All Do Our Own Jobs! Our son began spending lots of time out of the house with "friends he would not bring home and whose parents would not return telephone messages. He lost his former interests, other than hanging out with these "friends." He quit his high school sports team and did no school work. When home, he hid in his room. This went on for several months. His father and I introduced him to a variety of activities we thought he m...ight like. Nothing worked, and we worried. We asked our daughter to talk with him, find out what was going on, and see if she could help her brother. Ultimately, we learned the problem was drugs. In coping with our son's crazy-making behavior, our thinking got distorted. After coming to an Enthusiastic Sobriety program, we learned that we had confused family members' roles. By asking our daughter to help her brother, my husband and I had put her in a vulnerable position. We had tried to get our daughter to do our job as parents. Now we know and work hard at fulfilling our parental responsibilities. The job of parents is to love, encourage, and motivate our children to follow the values we model at home. Plus we set limits to discourage them from behavior contrary to our values. Then teens can do their own job: to learn, explore their unique talents, and develop into ethical and independent adults. Today's Reminder By living my values, I model for my teens how to live. I set limits, as necessary, to encourage them to act consistent with these values. I also encourage and support them in developing their unique potential and becoming independent adults. From Parent to Parent: Experience, strength, and hope shared by parents of young drug addicts and Alcoholics involved in Enthusiastic Sobriety programs The Crossroads Program Chesterfield, MO 636-532-9991 Kansas City, MO 816-941-4000 www.thecrossroadsprogram.com

February 9 Obsessive Thoughts Can Be Eliminated One morning I woke up filled with fear and worry about an incident at work the day before. I couldn't stop thinking about it. This destructive obsession reminded me of how I used to spend most of the hours of my days thinking about my sonwhat he had done, what he might be doing, what I thought he ought to be doing, and what might happen to him because of his drug addiction. To stop my obsessive thoughts about the incident at ...work, I recalled what I did to stop obsessing about my son in the past. I replaced the worry and fear with pleasant, engaging thoughts, preferably about the immediate present or near future. For example, planning an upcoming vacation might require my full mental attention. When my mind returned to its unhealthy obsession, I would gently guide it to something pleasant in the present and immediate environmentsuch as a breeze, the sunshine, or the warm feel of a sweater. Finally, I would steer my mind toward a survey of all the blessings in my life: all the people, places, and things I was glad to know or have known. , This last subject was very engaging and provided the most lasting relief. It helped lift my mind from the uncom obsessive thoughts to a healthier frame of mind. Today's Reminder I can choose to turn my thoughts away from worry and fear and focus on the things for which I feel gratitude right now. Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others. -Marcus Tullius Cicer See more

Parent to Parent December 28 Inventory I am Not Responsible for Everyone! Some of the things in my inventory were not actual harms I caused to others, but in my self-centered thinking, I felt as if I were responsible for harming them. For example, early in the program my son overslept and did not make it to his outpatient treatment one day. I got a call from the counselor, and I started to apologize for not being home to wake him up. I stopped mid sentence, realized I am n...ot responsible for getting my son up and to his outpatient treatment, and retracted my apology. At least that particular action did not even make it onto my written inventory! As for other actions that did, my sponsor helped me see that I am not responsible for seeing that every member of my family makes his or her appointments, meets his or her deadlines, and exercises good judgment in the choices he or she makes. This took a big burden off my shoulders. Today's Reminder I will let go of my unnecessary burdens and take on my true responsibility, to myself. From Parent to Parent: Experience, strength, and hope shared by parents of young drug addicts and Alcoholics involved in Enthusiastic Sobriety programs The Crossroads Program Chesterfield, MO 636-532-9991 Kansas City, MO 816-941-4000 www.thecrossroadsprogram.com

Parent to Parent February 8 How to Use a Sponsor How well did I handle my child's drug problem by myself? Not so well. Now I can call on my sponsor. Although I do call my sponsor periodically, there were times that it was crucial for me to call her. Those times were: when my kid relapsed and when I wasn't sure how to handle enforcing a consequence. She not only gave me moral support but also showed me how to apply the principles of the program to real life situations. In A...l-Anon, a sponsor is someone who also has a loved one with an alcohol problem; in the Enthusiastic Sobriety parent programs, a sponsor is another parent of an addicted child. In both programs, a sponsor is usually a person of the same sex who agrees to show another how to work the Twelve Steps of the program and who answers any questions. A sponsor provides understanding without pity, does not give advice, but may suggest how to apply the program’s principles. Meetings provide general support. Each person speaks briefly and generally about how he or she has applied the principles of the program. A sponsor provides one-on-one support and learns the sponsee's whole story in detail. Sponsorship is an important part of the program. Usually a new person will ask a person who has been in the program longer and is farther along in the Twelve Steps to sponsor him. Sponsorship is a relationship of mutual support. It is uncanny that often while a sponsor discusses a principle of the program with a sponsee, it is the very principle the sponsor needs to remember. Today's Reminder Have I called my sponsor lately? Today I will make a point of calling my sponsor, even if it is simply to say, Hi! and thank her for being my sponsor See more

Parent to Parent December 27 Self-Respect While trying to apply the Serenity Prayer in my life, I have become aware of my past habit of not speaking up for my needs and wants. I often used to just go with the flow, that is, do whatever everyone else in the family wanted. I was such a people-pleaser that I was afraid to do anything that might possibly inject additional conflict into our already-disharmonious life with our kid on drugs. When I consider the second line of th...e prayer, the courage to change the things I can," I know that there are times I can state what I need or want. This doesn't always lead to conflict or disharmony. Even when my stating my needs does present a conflict, my Higher Power will see me through it. For example, my son and I share my car. He usually uses the car to get to his Friday night Enthusiastic Sobriety social function, but one Friday I also wanted to go out. In the past I would have said nothing and not gone to my social event. Instead, that night I simply presented my needs to him, and we found a way that we could both get to our respective social functions. He gave me a ride to my event, and I arranged with a friend there to give me a ride home afterwa me afterwards. In this way, I am learning to have self-respect ut not treat myself like a doormat whose needs are unimportant. Today's Reminder I respect myself enough today to state my needs and wants and negotiate with another to get them met. From Parent to Parent: Experience, strength, and hope shared by parents of young drug addicts and Alcoholics involved in Enthusiastic Sobriety programs The Crossroads Program Chesterfield, MO 636-532-9991 Kansas City, MO 816-941-4000 www.thecrossroadsprogram.com

Parent to Parent December 26 Why We Go to Parent Meetings We do not go to parent meetings to complain about our teens or find ways to make them behave. We do not escalate anger and fear; instead we allow it to dissipate as we focus on compassion for ourselves. We look at ways we can maintain dignity and self-respect during trying times with our teens. By regular attendance at parent meetings, we listen and learn from each parent's unique storyyet often similar to our ow...n. We identify with their pain, and we help each other find better ways to cope in our families so that everyone is treated with respect. We learn that setting boundaries for our teens' behavior and implementing logical consequences for crossing those boundaries is loving and respectful. We give our children the dignity of making their own choices and living with the consequences of those choices. We can do this without ang because we know that all humans go through a learning This curve is especially steep during the teen and young a years. We also regain self-respect when we are able to implement consequences that we have set into place is before the boundary has been crossed. Today's Reminder At meetings I gain insight into ways of handling situations with my teen that provide each of us with dignity and respect. From Parent to Parent: Experience, strength, and hope shared by parents of young drug addicts and Alcoholics involved in Enthusiastic Sobriety programs The Crossroads Program Chesterfield, MO 636-532-9991 Kansas City, MO 816-941-4000 www.thecrossroadsprogram.com

Parent to Parent December 25 Our Lives Improved When We Worked Our Own Programs My son met a girl who had a history of methamphetamine use, so I was upset as their relationship developed. He practically moved in with her, but he telephoned me occasionally. In the past my husband and I had suspected that our son had experimented with drugs, but now we could no longer deny the power of drugs over him. When he called home, he would say things like, I can't come home, because... people are following me. (Methamphetamines cause paranoia.) Sometimes his speech was completely irrational. Seeing a television show about a local young woman, a drug addict who found recovery, I received hope. I contacted the girl from the show and asked her to speak with my son. She did and convinced him to talk with a counselor at the Enthusiastic Sobriety drug treatment program she had participated in. He entered the program. The first two months he ran away a couple of times, but he eventually decided to work the program in earnest. I made a decision to trust the program and leave my son's care to them. Meanwhile, I became very active in the Enthusiastic Sobriety parent meetings, step study, and women's retreat. I boan school to get training in an area in which I had always had an interest. I got certified and have been doing work in the field since. The support of the parent group, working the steps, and my new work helped me get through rough times with my son. Today my son is sober and has returned to the warm, kind, and giving person he was before drugs. I am grateful for this and for the time I took to enhance my own life. Today's Reminder As I go to Twelve Step meetings, read recovery literature, and take care of myself, my life improves. I trust that as my child is ready for recovery, the Twelve Steps will work for him, too. From Parent to Parent: Experience, strength, and hope shared by parents of young drug addicts and Alcoholics involved in Enthusiastic Sobriety programs The Crossroads Program Chesterfield, MO 636-532-9991 Kansas City, MO 816-941-4000 www.thecrossroadsprogram.com