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Content and process If you are stuck in conflict with a loved one or spouse, consider that the chances of reaching a satisfying resolution are improved by understanding the interrelated concepts of process and content. Content is the subject around which the conflict is based. The content of a conflict could literally be anything. Money, parenting, sex are common subjects, of course. But we often can get stuck on subjects that, in hindsight, seem insignificant. An argument ab...out the eventuality of a zombie apocalypse comes to mind. Process, on the other hand, is the communication style being used in discussing the content. I consider process to be the ‘how’ of the conversation. To better understand process and content think of a couple playing badminton. They are both playing the same game (content) but if one is playing as if they are trying to qualify for the Olympics (process), and the other playing for exercise or fun (process), their different approaches to the same game might be a problem. Process is about things like tone of voice, blame, criticism, use of feeling words (or not), listening (or not), as well as how significantly the fight/flight response is triggered. So, back to being stuck. The state of being stuck often lands on the shoulders of process not content. If a couple can shift their attention, temporarily, away from content to process, they are much more likely to become unstuck. Improved listening, use of feeling words, mild fight or flight response, and avoiding ‘you’ statements are just a few helpful process points that, if found, help with resolution. Next time you feel stuck, think process over content in order to move through conflict, and back to connection, sooner.

Repair No couple is immune to the occasional painful arguments, regrettable mistakes, or any event in which one or both people get their feelings hurt. In response to such events successful couples engage in something called repair. Repair can be thought of as an attempt to right the wrong. A couple’s willingness to repair is a kind of glue that keeps the bond intact in the face of our imperfections. It is also an important tool in the relationship toolbox. A common repair at...tempt is an apology. With smaller mistakes, an apology is an efficient repair tool, and, if genuine, may be all that is necessary. The dilemma with an apology is how easy it is to utter the words, I’m sorry. Harken back to the day when a sister or brother was required to apologize for some slight and uttered the words with all the heartfelt regret of a robot. Or consider our culture today, when a public figure often issues a post-mistake mea culpa with so little true ownership of their actions the words fall flat. Consider that the significant parts of repair lie beyond an apology. The practices that strengthen an apology include an acknowledgement of the mistake made, acknowledgement of the impact on the other person, explanation about past or present factors in making the mistake, and the steps one is willing to take to prevent the same mistake in the future. All those steps take a significant amount of energy and thought. The willingness to complete that process becomes a part of the repair itself. In the future, if an apology has not settled the issue, consider there is more work to be done, and choose accordingly.

Most people think of the serenity prayer as a tool to aid recovery from addiction. Yet the value of this bit of wisdom extends beyond 12 step meetings. Seeking to know when one has and/or does not have control can help couples succeed in navigating the me/we dilemma. Whether utilized in setting/ respecting boundaries or supporting the ownership of one’s words, this powerful prayer is a fantastic way to maintain closeness and connection in your relationship.

Qualifiers A simple (not easy) way couples can improve communication involves examining how you use qualifiers during stressful conversations. According to Grammarly.com a qualifier in language is a word or words that enhance or diminish another word’s meaning. In couples communication there are two common patterns. The first is non-use of qualifiers that would otherwise soften a message. The second involves the overuse of qualifiers, which weakens a message. ... In the first example, when sharing your perceptions or observations about an emotional or conflictual situation it is helpful to use qualifiers. Stating your perspective as categorically true leaves little room for discussion, is a type of boundary violation, and can land as attempt to win or be right. Qualifying phrases like, it seems to me or from my point of view are a way of sharing your point of view while indicating there is room for discussion or disagreement. If you feel resistance to the idea of qualifying your thought, it might help to remember there is little in the world of communication that is fact. Bias and emotion cannot be denied or ignored as influential. If you get stuck thinking you’re right, check your emotional thermostat. A lower setting will help find softer language. The second example of how qualifiers create communication difficulties arises when one is talking about oneself in response to a direct question. When acknowledging feelings/thoughts qualifiers like probably, maybe, could be, diminish or weaken the thought or idea to which they are attached. Heavy use of qualifiers in this way can indicate a lack of ownership about what otherwise you are trying to say. If you recognize this pattern, or it is pointed out to you, try this make the statement without qualifiers and listen to what emotions arise when you do. Connecting with those feelings is the path through which you will find clearer language. When working through conflict with your partner, language matters. Keeping an eye out for these two problematic language patterns becomes another tool to utilize when conflicts arise. You will feel better and be more likely to maintain a good connection throughout the discussion.

Self-talk One aspect of the me/we dilemma often overlooked relates to the quality of one’s relationship to self, which is primarily recognized through one’s inner dialogue or self-talk. Practicing compassion and empathy to create or enhance closeness with your partner strengthens the connection. Not so easily recognized is the importance of finding the same empathy and compassion for yourself.... When I hear certain words - stupid, ridiculous, or even idiot - in a self-narrative especially as the story relates to mistakes, self-evaluation, or even just basic humanity, I’m reminded of the importance of self-talk. I will ask, would you say what you just said about yourself to someone you love? And even though the answer is often, and obviously, no I would not, I encounter a stubborn resistance to speaking about oneself with the same level of care. I was recently reminded of why negative self-talk is so difficult to change after watching the documentary, Won’t You Be My Neighbor? Mr. Rogers gift to the world, in part, was to prize and validate children and to encourage them to prize and value their feelings and experiences. Despite the beauty and simplicity of his message, Mr. Rogers faced a cultural backlash. A segment of the public feared his approach would produce self-centered, egotistical adults. This is not the case. Positive and supportive self-talk does not mean you are getting a pass. Making the effort to respond with empathy while still holding firm to boundaries and expectations is fundamental to the practice of love. It says, I care about you even in the face of your mistake. Couples who learn to hold love while dealing with their partners inevitable humanity are more successful. The same practice is just as important for oneself. So the next time you recognize a damaging word or phrase in your head directed at you, stop and reflect. Working to love yourself in the face of your flaws sends a clear message of value while also giving you a leg up on navigating the me/we journey successfully.